Self-Overcoming, Self-Becoming, the Übermensch and Mr Olympia: Nietzsche in Bodybuilding

Watch my video here.

In the Nietzsche Haus in Sils Maria (Engadin) is a collection of gadgets and various merchandising inspired by Nietzsche: among these, some energy bars stand out, upon which a stylised superman [Übermensch] is sketched out. There is a common tendency to implicitly connect Nietzscheʼs Übermensch with athleticism. Other concepts of Nietzscheʼs have been sometimes applied to the sports or other forms of physical activity –– for example, Nietzscheʼs idea of the ʻfree spiritʼ has been recently compared to football player Zlatan Ibrahimovic (Portier 2014). Moreover, Nietzscheʼs relationship to dance has been exhaustively analysed over the years (Müller 1995; Reschke 2000; Röller 2001). However, albeit widely acknowledged, Nietzscheʼs actual impact on fitness and bodybuilding is still to be explored.

In the essay ʻOrchids and Musclesʼ, Alphonso Lingis portrays bodybuilding very critically, in what could be arguably described as a negative way. This is his opinion on bodybuilding:

In the absence of a public cause before them and before us, the public mind can only rummage around for psychological causes producing these cases […]. One sees them narcissistically pumping themselves into ostentatious sex symbols –– but symbols that sexually liberated public recognizes as the obsolete figure of virile protector, who was also phallocrat and wife-beater. When the mind finds itself seduced to look where there is no cause inscribed, it turns away in resentment (Lingis 1988: 103).

At the very end, Lingis describes bodybuilding ʻas the monstrous excrescence of maternity in the virile figure of powerʼ, and relates it to Nietzscheʼs idea of ʻpowerʼ, as well as to narcissism (ibid: 115). Although I quite disagree with the author’s view on bodybuilding as an expression of narcissism, I sure agree on pointing out some Nietzschean elements too, but I want to extend the concept of ʻpowerʼ to its two manifestations as: self-overcoming and self-becoming.

Power and Self-Overcoming

What is Nietzscheʼs understanding of ʻpowerʼ?

Beside the popular book which Nietzsche had never agreed to publish but was nonetheless released posthumously by his sister and Peter Gast, based on one of Nietzscheʼs private publication plans, the idea of ʻwill to powerʼ appears in Thus Spoke Zarathustra (1883-1885) and Beyond Good and Evil (1886).

In both works, Nietzscheʼs understandings of ʻpowerʼ and ʻwill to powerʼ are to be read in terms of interpretation. So he writes in Zarathustra: ʻWhat urges you on, and arouses your ardor, you wisest of men, do you call it “will to truth”? Will to conceivability of all being: That is what I call your will. […] That is your entire will, you wisest men; it is a will to power, and that is so even when you talk of good and evil and of the assessment of valuesʼ (Za II, ʻOf Self-Overcomingʼ, KSA 4: 146). According to Nietzscheʼs understanding, ʻwill to powerʼ means nothing but life itself, that is to say, no individualism or social implications are implied in the conception, given that such concepts are created by life in its own evaluation process and are given merely as a result. So Nietzsche carries on, through Zarathustraʼs mouth: ʻWhere I found a living creature, there I found will to power; and even in the will of the servant I found the will to be master. […] The living creatures value many things higher than life itself; yet out of this evaluation itself speaks –– the will to powerʼ (ibid, KSA 4: 147-49). In Beyond Good and Evil, the same meaning is expressed through the famous sentence, at the end of aphorism 22, with which Nietzsche anticipates a response to possible criticisms to his notion of ʻwill to powerʼ: ʻSupposing that this also is only an interpretation –– and you will be eager enough to raise that objection? –– well, so much the betterʼ (JGB I, 22, KSA 5: 37). So long as everything is subject to interpretation, in fact, the concept of interpretation itself stops making sense, when understood in terms of ʻtruthʼ.

In this sense, this concept goes also hand in hand with that of self-overcoming: there must be no ego, life must be allowed to transcend and constantly overcome itself. Such an idea is elsewhere defined by Nietzsche as ʻAmor Fatiʼ, a latin phrase for ʻlove for fateʼ, representing the condition of someone who has learnt not only to accept their own impotency towards their own destiny, but also to love and embrace such unfathomable, inescapable, destiny. The concept appeared for the first time in a fragment from Autumn 1881 (15[20]), was re-elaborated in another note a couple of months later (16[22]) and also in a letter to Nietzscheʼs life-time friend Franz Overbeck (5 June 1882). It was then officially introduced for the first time in the Gay Science (1882/1887, § 276), and then re-elaborated again in a few private notes (NF 1884, 25[500]; NF 1888, 16[32]; NF 1888 25[7]), to be finally redelivered to his readers in Nietzsche Contra Wagner [1888] (1889, ʻEpilogueʼ, § 1) and Ecce Homo [1888] (1889, ʻWhy I Am So Cleverʼ, § 10; ʻThe Case Wagnerʼ, § 4).

Self-Overcoming and Bodybuilding

How does this all relate to bodybuilding? As I will show in this section, there are several aspects of Nietzscheʼs idea of ʻself-overcomingʼ that can be easily related to bodybuilding –– the most obvious one being the constant hitting and breaking PR: every time you hit a new record, you’ve automatically overcome your old self –– to put it in a more Nietzschean way, life (the ʻwill to powerʼ) has overcome itself through your hitting a new pr. Likewise, your constant improving your strength, your physique, your endurance, etc., can all be thought of as examples of self-overcoming.

Even more than this, however, one should point out the egoless element of a real bodybuilding journey. First of all, a true bodybuilder dissolves him or herself in the workout; they put concentration before anything else, and their egos ultimately undergo a dissolution: when training, a bodybuilder becomes humble, they start from a low weight and then slowly, religiously, increase it, improving their strength over time.

Finally, and this is the most important aspect, like Nietzsche, as a bodybuilder, you acknowledge that your progress is not really yours but belongs to something greater, of which you’re just a part (e.g. constant training, proper diet, genetics, motivational environment, etc.).

You might raise the objection that this kind of discourse applies to other philosophies too on the one hand, and to any other sport or discipline too on the other hand. And that’s sure the case, after all this is precisely why Nietzsche considers everything as an expression of the ʻwill to powerʼ. However, if we proceed further with our analysis, we shall see how another corollary of Nietzsche’s understanding of ʻpowerʼ resonates with bodybuilding even more, namely, the idea of ʻself-Becomingʼ.

Self-Becoming

What does it mean to become who one is?

In Ecce Homo (1888), Nietzsche dwells upon the concept of self-becoming extensively, although without explaining what he means by that. He just talks about how he has become who he is. And this means that there’s no one-size-fits-all rule when it comes down to self-becoming. However, Nietzsche gives us some advice to become who we are –– the most important one being to reconnect with our instincts. Interestingly, knowing one’s own ideal diet and exercise is one of the key elements of self-becoming.

Indeed, Nietzsche used to self-prescribe diets and exercises to fight his painful migraines; he was into hiking, ice-skating, swimming, and found the typical German diet totally unhealthy. As he writes in EH, ʻWhy I Am So Cleverʼ, §1, Nietzsche seems to perceive a correlation between not only diet and overall health, but also between diet and individual, as well as collective, morals:

Indeed, I can say, that up to a very mature age, my food wasentirely bad—expressed morally, it was “impersonal”, “selfless”, “altruistic”, to the glory of cooks and all other fellow-Christians. It was through the cooking in vogue at Leipzig, for instance, together with my first study of Schopenhauer (1865), that I earnestly renounced my “Will to Live”. To spoil one’s stomach by absorbing insufficient nourishment—this problem seemed to my mind solved with admirable felicity by the above-mentioned cookery. (It is said that in the year 1866 changes were introduced into this department.) But as to German cookery in general—what has it not got on its conscience! Soup beforethe meal (still called alla tedesca in the Venetian cookery books of the sixteenth century); meat boiled to shreds, vegetables cooked with fat and flour; the degeneration of pastries into paper-weights! And, if you add there to the absolutely bestial post-prandial drinking habits of the ancients, and not alone of the ancient Germans, you will understand where German intellect took its origin—that is to say, in sadly disordered intestines…. German intellect is indigestion; it can assimilate nothing. But even English diet, which in comparison with German, and indeed with French alimentation, seems to me to constitute a “return to Nature,”—that is to say, to cannibalism,—is profoundly opposed to my own instincts. It seems to me to give the intellect heavy feet, in fact, Englishwomen’s feet…. The best cooking is that of Piedmont. Alcoholic drinks do not agree with me; a single glass of wine or beer a day is amply sufficient to turn life into a valley of tears for me;—in Munich live my antipodes. Although I admit that this knowledge came to me somewhat late, it already formed part of my experience even as a child. As a boy I believed that the drinking of wine and the smoking of tobacco were at first but the vanities of youths, and later merely bad habits. Maybe the poor wine of Naumburg was partly responsible for this poor opinion of wine in general. In order to believe that wine was exhilarating, I should have had to be a Christian—in other words, I should have had to believe in what, to my mind, is an absurdity. Strange to say, whereas small quantities of alcohol, taken with plenty of water, succeed in making me feel out of sorts, large quantities turn me almost into a rollicking tar. Even as a boy I showed my bravado in this respect […]. Later on, towards the middle of my life, I grew more and more opposed to alcoholic drinks: I, an opponent of vegetarianism, who have experienced what vegetarianism is,—just as Wagner, who converted me back to meat, experienced it,—cannot with sufficient earnestness advise all more spiritual natures to abstain absolutely from alcohol (translation by Anthony M. Ludovici. 1911. Edinburgh and London: T. N. Foulis: 30-32).

The first thing we learn from the above passage is the necessity of a diet being: personal, individually designed, egoistic (in the sense of being perfectly adapted to individual needs). Indeed, he blames his youth diet (a typical German diet) for being ʻimpersonalʼ, ʻselflessʼ, ʻaltruisticʼ and therefore Christian –– which according to his mature understanding means opposed to life and instincts (as he explains inThe Anti-Christ; [1888], 1889). So Nietzsche advocates a reconnection with one’s own, individual, ʻinstinctsʼ, for both optimal physical health (he speaks about ʻdigestionʼ) and best intellectual activity. In his specific case, one can deduce that Nietzsche prefers to avoid: excessive ʻfat and flourʼ; heavy cooking (ʻthe degeneration of pastries into paper-weightʼ); excessive alcohol. Interestingly, we also learn that Nietzsche had tried a vegetarian diet on himself at the time of his fascination for Schopenhauer and Wagner, and been dissuaded from this type of diet by this latter himself (later in his life, Nietzsche will notoriously discourage young students of his from attempting vegetarianism by using Wagner’s own argument indeed).

Then he makes his point of what a balance diet should look like:

A heavy meal is digested more easily than an inadequate one. The first principle of a good digestion is that the stomach should become active as a whole. A man ought, therefore, to know the size of his stomach. For the same reasons all those interminable meals, which I call interrupted sacrificial feasts, and which are to be had at any table d’hôte, are strongly to be deprecated. Nothing should be eaten between meals, coffee should be given up—coffee makes one gloomy. Tea is beneficial only in the morning. It should be taken in small quantities, but very strong. It may be very harmful, and indispose you for the whole day, if it be taken the least bit too weak. Everybody has his own standard in this matter, often between the narrowest and most delicate limits. In an enervating climate tea is not a good beverage with which to start the day: an hour before taking it an excellent thing is to drink a cup of thick cocoa, freed from oil [entölten]. Remain seated as little as possible, put no trust in any thought that is not born in the open, to the accompaniment of free bodily motion—nor in one in which even the muscles do not celebrate a feast. All prejudices take their origin in the intestines. A sedentary life, as I have already said elsewhere, is the real sin against the Holy Spirit (ibid).

The first condition for optimal digestion is simplicity (ʻa heavy meal is digested more easily than an inadequate one. […] the stomach should become active as a wholeʼ). The other conditions can be translated as: avoiding snacks between meals; avoiding coffee; drinking tea sparingly and in the morning solely –– however tea should always be strong––; drinking fat free, thick hot chocolate one hour prior to morning tea in ʻenervatingʼ climates; being as active as possible and mostly outdoor (ʻRemain seated as little as possible, put no trust in any thought that is not born in the open, to the accompaniment of free bodily motion—nor in one in which even the muscles do not celebrate a feast. All prejudices take their origin in the intestines. A sedentary life, as I have already said elsewhere, is the real sin against the Holy Spiritʼ).
So, later in § 10:

these trivial matters—diet, locality, climate, and one’s mode of recreation, the whole casuistry of selfishness; self-love—are inconceivably more important than, all that which has hitherto been held in high esteem! It is precisely in this quarter that we must begin to learn afresh. All those things which mankind has valued with such earnestness heretofore are not even real; they are mere creations of fancy, or, more strictly speaking, lies born of the evil instincts of diseased and, in the deepest sense, noxious natures—all the concepts, “God”, “soul”, “virtue”, “sin”, “Beyond”, “truth”, “eternal life”. … But the greatness of human nature, its “divinity”, was sought for in them…. (ibid: 52).

Therefore, a return to what was traditionally perceived as
ʻtrivial mattersʼ, such as ʻdietʼ itself is key, according to Nietzsche, to accomplishing the ʻdivinityʼ of ʻhuman natureʼ, its ʻgreatnessʼ.

In his Letters From Turin (1889), Nietzsche explains what a usual meal of his at the restaurant looks like: ʻminestra or risotto, a good portion of meat, vegetable and bread—all good … I eat here with the serenest disposition of soul and stomachʼ; in other words, carbs, protein and just a little bit of fat, the typical bodybuilder diet (let’s forget about the bread for one moment). One of his favourite carb sources has always been risotto, as we learn from a few letters, whose prep technique Nietzsche was taught by his housekeeper in Genoa (very interestingly, I found a reproduction of his recipe on this website: https://paperandsalt.org/2014/03/31/friedrich-nietzsche-lemon-risotto-with-asparagus-and-mint/). Ultimately, in a letter to his mother and sister written in Genoa (Italy) on 6 April 1881, Nietzsche claims that his diet is ʻso changeable […], depending on the place or the climateʼ –– as mentioned above, Nietzsche was very sensitive to his somewhat poor health, in particular concerning his migraine and digestive issues.

Although, on a general level, there are certain principles which most individuals should benefit from (such as consuming simple meals and being outdoor as much as possible), in Nietzsche’s overall idea of ʻself-becomingʼ, individuality is key. Such individuality, however, manifests itself through one’s own diet in the first place. Understanding how important and unique one’s own nature and instincts are is the only way for a man or woman to become who they really are; however, it also means that the first thing they have to learn is to abandon their egoistic prejudice (Nietzsche dwells upon the ego delusion in the first part of Beyond Good and Evil extensively), and embrace the uncontrollable chain of inner instincts and surrounding events that has built their individuality over time, and that will continue to do so. This is why I like to think of Nietzsche’s idea of ʻSelf-Becomingʼ as a ʻcorollaryʼ of his ideas of ʻwill to powerʼ and ʻamor fatiʼ. In Nietzsche’s view, connecting with one’s own instincts and individual needs is the best way to become who one is. As we shall see, this has much to do with bodybuilding too.

What Does ʻSelf-Becomingʼ Mean in Bodybuilding?

The aforementioned individuality that is so important in Nietzsche’s idea of ʻbecoming who one isʼ finds its equivalent meaning in the bodybuilding idea of fulfilling one’s own genetic potential. First of all, in bodybuilding, understanding and mastering concepts such as ʻbody typeʼ, ʻmetabolic rateʼ, ʻindividual dieting and trainingʼ is the basis for success. Every good bodybuilder knows whether their body type is ʻectomorphicʼ, ʻmesomorphicʼ or ʻendomorphicʼ, and designs their workouts and diets accordingly. Secondly, knowing how a bodybuilder’s body reacts to certain foods, beverages, stress and certain exercises is paramount to tailoring the best workout programme and meal plan a bodybuilder can benefit from. For instance, some individuals do well on high carbs and low fats, as opposed to others who perform at their best on a high-fat diet; some people (especially women) have genetically strong legs and weaker upper bodies, some others are stronger in their back and chest and not so in their legs; certain people respond well to steady cardio, versus others who prefer HIIT; some individuals need to consume more or less calories than others to achieve the same results, etc. Thirdly, this discourse applies to the division choice: to give you the most obvious example, typically, a Bikini competitor can hardly do well in a Women’s Physique or Bodybuilding contest, and vice versa; whereas a Figure competitor can potentially move up or down her division, but will have to work really hard to achieve her goal physique. One could even argue that:

bodybuilding is the constant pursuit of the ideal body, based on acknowledging one’s individual strengths and weaknesses, and striving to realise the full potential of the former, while working hard to compensate for, and minimise, the latter.

Another element from Nietzsche’s idea of ʻSelf-Becomingʼ deserving attention is his emphasising the role of one’s diet in their ʻbecoming who they areʼ. Diet is obviously as important as workouts in bodybuilding. As everyone knows, one needs to eat in a caloric surplus, if they want to build muscle, however ʻabs are made in the kitchenʼ, meaning that one has to eat clean and below their maintenance caloric intake, if they want their hard-built muscle to finally stand out. Even closer to Nietzsche’s idea, however, is the fact that bodybuilders don’t eat for personal enjoyment, but consider food as fuel, constantly calculating macros and adjusting their ratio based on their personal needs (bulking, maintenance, cutting). As it was for Nietzsche, here simplicity plays again a pivotal role: meals should be simple, effective and easily digestible. Moreover, it is important to point out the role of certain foods and drinks (such as carbs, salt and water) during peak week and on show day: often time, restricting carbs and manipulating sodium and water intake during the week leading to the show, and then carb-loading on show day, can really determine a competitor’s placement in their competition. Lastly, timing is also imperative, if one wants to succeed as a bodybuilder: whether you intermittent fast or not, consuming small meals in a certain time window, possibly the same everyday, is common practice among successful bodybuilders. Similar to Nietzsche’s advice, bodybuilders want to stick to the same amount of meals everyday, and not to snack in between.

The Übermensch at Mr Olympia

Self-Sculpting and Self-Experimentation

What is accounted in Ecce Homo represents Nietzsche’s own, personal and unique, self-becoming. If one wanted to find a more generalised ideal of self-becoming, the figures of the Übermensch and of the ʻhigher manʼ described in Zarathustra and Beyond Good and Evil, respectively, are to be looked at. Both types of men are depicted as something that has yet to come; they appear far away from the men of the crowd, able to incorporate their instincts in their personality, without rejecting them or being driven by them. They are the only ones that can bear the ʻdeath of Godʼ without falling prey of the so-called ʻshadows of Godʼ (see The Gay Science, §§ 208-209). These ideal men are brave enough to reject pre-established values and belief systems, and to experiment on theirselves until they find their own belief systems.

As Paul Bishop has recently observed, Nietzsche’s representation of the Übermensch can arguably be considered a form of ʻself-Sculptingʼ, belonging to a wide tradition that can be traced back to late Antiquity (Bishop 2017). The ideas of constant self-experimentation and self-sculpting are naturally predominant characteristics of bodybuilding too; so is the strive to return to a certain Greek ideal of perfection (as I’ve previously suggested; see Schwarzenegger 1985; Fair 2015).

Nietzsche’s Idea of the Athletes

On top of that, Nietzsche makes use of sport metaphors in his published texts. For example, in The Genealogy of Morals (1887), Nietzsche compares the ʻphilosophersʼ fighting ʻa war […] against [a] lack of enthusiasmʼ to ʻsportsmen of “holiness”ʼ [sportsmen der “Heiligkeit”], who have ʻin fact found a real release from what they were fighting against with such a rigorous training [training]ʼ. In the same section, references to the impact of a diet on ʻoneʼs physical well beingʼ –– and to physiology more broadly –– recur throughout. In fact, Nietzsche tries to address religious, psychological and moral categories as responses to ʻa feeling of physiological inhibitionʼ which cannot ʻenter peopleʼs explanations, due to their ʻlack of knowledge about physiologyʼ (GM III, § 17).

Conclusion

If Alphonso Lingis righteously guessed a little bit of Nietzsche in bodybuilding, his reducing such little bit of Nietzsche to the social implications of his representation ofʻpowerʼ does not suffice. So writes Lingis: ʻevery great epoch of culture, Nietzsche wrote, is not only an epoch of humankind’s cultivating of nature –– transforming of nature’s resources in accordance with its own idea –– it is also an epoch in the history of humankind’s cultivation of its own nature –– transforming its own nature in accordance with its ideal. Every great culture, marked by distinctive intellectual, artistic and moral productions, has also set up a distinctive icon of bodily perfectionʼ (Lingis 1988: 101).

As I’ve argued throughout this post, in my opinion, Nietzsche’s strive for self-overcoming, self-becoming, self-experimenting and self-sculpting are the real elements to be emphasised, when one wants to compare Nietzsche’s philosophy with bodybuilding. Moreover, Nietzsche’s stress on body and ʻphysiologyʼ over morals and metaphysics, as well as his emphasising the importance of rigour and discipline (not to be forgotten, Nietzsche was first of all a philologist), his comparing philosophers to ʻsportsmenʼ are all signs of his will to attribute a certain value to the body that goes beyond its separation from the mind. Lingis is right to point out Nietzsche’s idea of humankind’s ʻtransforming its own nature in accordance with its idealʼ, but he is wrong in identifying such an ideal with mere narcissism, forgetting the strive to self-becoming that underpins bodybuilding. It is not just about building a body; it is also about building a better version of oneself –– hence self-becoming ––, through constant self-experimentation and self-overcoming. The idea of self-sculpting is no merely an aesthetic one; it is the idea of working on oneself (getting rid of what does not suit one’s own nature and sticking with what really works for oneself), towards the full realisation of one’s ultimate self.

Watch my video here.

References

Bishop, Paul.2017. On The Blissful Island With Nietzsche And Jung: In The Shadow Of The Superman. Oxon and New York: Routledge.

Fair, John D. 2015. Mr. America: The Tragic History of a Bodybuilding Icon. Austin: University Of TexasPress.

Lingis, Alphonso. 1988. ʻOrchids and Musclesʼ.InDavid Farrell Krell, and David Wood (eds). Exceedingly Nietzsche: Aspects of Contemporary Nietzsche Interpretation.London and New York: Routledge: 97-115.

Müller, Farguell Roger W. 1995.Tanz-Figuren: zur metaphorischen Konstitution von Bewegung in Texten: Schiller, Kleist, Heine, Nietzsche. Munich: W. Fink.

Nietzsche, Friedrich Wilhelm. 1967 ––. Kritische Gesamtausgabe der Werke Nietzsches. Edited by Giorgio Colli and Mazzino Montinari. Berlin / New York: De Gruyter.

––. [1888]. Ecce Homo. Translated by Anthony M. Ludovici. Edinburgh and London: T. N. Foulis, 1911.

––. 1887. On The Genealogy of Morals. A Polemical Tract. Translated by Ian Johnston. Arlington: Richer Resources Publications, 2009.

––. 2009 ––. Digital Critical Edition(edited by P. DʼIorio).

Portier, Sylvain. 2014. Zlatan Ibrahimovic ou comment retrouver le sérieux que l’on mettait dans ses jouets, étant enfant Friedrich Nietzsche. – [Vallet] : Éditions M-editer, 2014. – 44 S. : Ill. – (Livre’L).

Reschke, Renate. 2000.ʻDie andere Perspektive: Ein Gott, der zu tanzen verstündeʼ.In: Volker Gerhardt (ed.). Friedrich Nietzsche, Also sprach Zarathustra. Berlin: Akademie Verlag: 257-284

Röller, Gisela. 2001. Tanz als Form des Denkens: Friedrich Nietzsche, Denen jenseits von Schluß und Dialektik. Jansen, Lüneburg: Jansen.

Schwarzenegger, Arnold. 1985. The New Encyclopaedia of Modern Bodybuilding. New York: Simon and Schuster, 1998 (2nd edition).

April 27, 2019May 3, 2019

Why I’m No Longer Vegan. My Shocking Revelation

Yes, it seems like every ex vegan is coming out right now, and I happen to be one of them indeed. Although this phenomenon might appear as a propagandistic tendency, it has in fact much deeper roots, which very easily translate into: veganism is not a sustainable diet. The reason why everyone is quitting veganism at the same time is because we all nearly started at the same time, and are now experiencing its effects on our health. My main reason for quitting it, however, is an ethical one, to which a psychological component is to be added too. I’m briefly breaking down my argument in the following paragraphs, but you can also watch my latest video, in which I not only discuss it extensively, but also share some rare footage of me trying beef for the first time after 15 years.

My Main Reasons

Ethics

As you might remember, a few month ago, I wrote a post about Veganism and the Paradox of Living an Ethical Life, in which shared my many doubts on the ethics of a plant-based diet, versus eating grass-fed beef. My reflection on the subject had become so intense and overwhelming, that I could no longer look at my plate of quinoa without thinking of those poor ladies in South America consuming their hands and starving themselves just to produce my “cruelty free” meal. A similar discourse applies to cotton (check out what’s going on in Mexico because of cotton production), avocados and legumes. On top of it, I couldn’t stop thinking about all those poor rabbits, birds, insects and lizards that get unjustly killed every time a crop field is created. As I wrote in my previous post, if you compare the figures, you’ll find exponentially less cruelty in a grass-fed ox liver than in a plate of lentils. It’s impossible to grow grains and vegetable without killing thousands of lives in the process.

As I educated myself on meat and dairy industries when I went vegan, so I decided to educate myself on crop production. The first thing I found out about is the figures. The most shocking discovery is this: other than in the US, cereal and soy (!!!) crop production is for HUMAN consumption. There’s only a small percentage (around 20%, if I’m not mistaken), which isn’t fit for human consumption and is therefore used to feed livestock which are, however, mostly grass fed. This means that the horrific deforestations that are taking place worldwide have nothing to do with the meat industry and could potentially be aggravated if everyone went vegan (as the crop demand would significantly increase). Moreover, CO2 cow emissions are not as dangerous for the planet as some vegan propaganda is trying to advocate: bovines have always been around and in pretty much the same amount (we have definitely more cows now, but how about those poor bisons that are slowly extinguishing?). How can one even think that their natural CO2 emissions might cause harm to the planet, more than the aircrafts used to transport tempeh, avocados and quinoa across the globe? Lastly, did you know that farms actually protect lots of animals which would never survive otherwise, by providing them with food, shelter and good care? Most of the bovines and chickens out there would never make it to 2 years of life, as they would fall prey of bigger predators.

Factory farming is surely evil. But so is the crop field industry. If one really wants to be ethical, the best thing to do is to buy from local farms. Fair enough, but are animal products really necessary? Can’t one just thrive on self-grown or locally-sourced fruit and vegetables? The answers are: yes, animal products are necessary (if you want to perform at your best), and no, one can’t thrive on self-grown or locally-sourced fruit and vegetables solely. But this leads us to the next point.

Health

As you might know, when I first went raw vegan, back in 2014, my IBS improved a lot, but when I started incorporating cooked foods in my diet (because a raw-vegan diet could no longer sustain my workouts), my symptoms got worse and worse. In 2018, I went low FODMAP and my IBS symptoms improved dramatically. However, that restricted my diet even more, and because my protein demand was pretty high, I was forced to consume unbelievably great amount of soy products, such as tofu and tempeh. In the aforementioned old post of mine, I had already expressed my concern about soy consumption, and the truth is that, because there’s no substantial scientific evidence to support theories in favour or against soy phytoestrogens, it was hard to make up my mind once and for all. So I decided to stay in the safe zone of 100g tempeh and 150g tofu a day, and to supplement the rest of my protein intake with: pea and rice protein powders, quinoa, buckwheat, nutritional yeast, tahini, nuts, some lentils and beans here and there. Phytoestrogens aside, however, bioavailability is another unescapable truth to be considered.

In my first 4 years of veganism, I felt great most of the time (beside my IBS, of course): I felt energised, light, focused and kind of happy. That’s essentially due to 2 reasons: 1) I was bulking (meaning I was eating extra calories everyday, and, because of that, my body had plenty of energy sources available in my body); 2) when I started my vegan journey, I was in great need for detoxification, and a vegan diet is one of the most effective ways to detox your body. However, when I did my first vegan cut, in Spring 2018, my energy levels suddenly dropped, and I began to feel fatigued, dizzy, lethargic and sluggish out of the blue (I must say that my cut had just started, so my calories were still pretty close to maintenance level, so you can’t blame it on their being too low). I got my blood tested and everything was within the range. Around the same time, I also started craving high protein foods, such as tempeh, intensively. On top of that, I developed depression, anxiety, paranoia and a constant feeling of emptiness, not in its metaphysical, existential meaning, but in the sense of physical hollowness, like a lack of grounding. Exactly the same happened early this year, during my second cut. In both occasions, my daily protein intake would never go below 140-120g, so it wasn’t a matter of not meeting my requirement. All of my macros and micros have always been religiously accounted for, so l wasn’t theoretically lacking anything.

My constant tiredness was due to the bioavailability of the nutrients I was intaking everyday: plants have anti-nutrients to protect themselves, making it hard for humans to assimilate the nutrients. Hence, when you consume 140g plant-based protein, you actually assimilate something around 70-80g of those (the same applies to other macros, as well as to micros, such as vitamins and minerals). When you’re on a bulk, you exceed your daily macro and micro need, so you assimilate enough nutrients to feel good (reason n.1); when you’re cutting, though, you suddenly deprive your body of too many nutrients. Could eating more have helped me out when cutting? Probably yes, if I had increased my protein consumption, but, as I’ve already said, my proteins were mainly coming from soy products, and I’ve already expressed my concern about them.

Detoxing is an excellent practice and all cultures and religions incorporate fasting in their practices. However, it doesn’t have to be carried on for too long. Veganism is a fasting-mimicking diet, which works wonders for your body, when practiced for a few months, or even a few years. When your body gets rid of all the toxins in excess, however, and gets ready for its normal tasks, you no longer need to detox it (just as a side note, this discourse is entirely wrong, as your body naturally detoxes itself everyday, and what we mean by “detoxing” is just supporting it in the process by not overloading it too much). So, if you don’t provide it with the right amount of nutrients it needs, it’ll start to slowly decay, leaving you tired, sluggish, fatigued and empty (reason n.2). Finally, only animal fats are able to balance our hormones out effectively, making you feel grounded, focused and happy. And, again, this is because of their bioavailability: as a species, humans have evolved consuming fresh organs and other easily available meats, our bodies are perfectly designed to assimilate animal nutrients faster and more effectively than plant based nutrients (as I said, we can thrive on plants too, but only for short periods of time), or even lab-synthesised surrogates.

Psychology

As everyone knows, a 100% plant-based diet is not complete. You need to make sure you get enough B12, omega 3 (and in a good ratio with your omega 6), and the list goes on and on… Vegans typically turn into nutrition scientists, constantly calculating their macros and micros, knowing which foods should be combined with which for best results, always carrying supplements and protein powders in their bags. I had enough of it all.

Although I believe in meal plans and strict schedules, when it comes down to food, I also believe in simplicity. The simpler your meals, the more digestible and effective. On a vegan diet, I found that I had to constantly combine my foods to meet my requirements, not to mention the supplements I had to take. Moreover, most of my food was also highly processed. Finally, I was eating the same foods over and over again, same meals throughout the day and throughout the year, it had become so unnatural and counterintuitive that was really clashing with my ethics and belief system. I could only imagine spending the rest of my life that way. I felt totally disconnected.

What My Diet Looks Like Right Now

Since I went back to animal products, I’ve been trying to be more ethical than I was as a vegan. My rule of thumb is this simple: harming as few lives as possible; impacting the environment as little as possible; feeling one with nature as much as I can.

Most of my food comes from wild-caught fish (mostly salmon, mackerel, sardines, tuna, haddock), duck eggs, grass-fed beef (whose taste I don’t even enjoy that much) and lamb. I also have some organic, locally sourced Skyr yoghurt, grass-fed butter, goat butter, and Feta or Halloumi cheese. As to my carbs, I still consume plenty of (low FODMAP) vegetables, potatoes, swedes, turnips and parsnips, which I buy from my local farmers market (alongside the meat). Sparingly, I still consume organic oats, bananas, berries, basmati rice and buckwheat (I’m not ready to cut them completely to reduce my environmental footprint, and I also believe in balance — I’ve experienced the effects of a restrictive diet on myself to the point where I really understand the importance of balance and happiness in one’s overall well-being). In terms of meat, I buy a lot of organs, such as livers, kidneys and hearts, for 2 reasons. First of all, people don’t generally want them, and I don’t want animals to die in vain; second, because those are probably the most nutritious foods in the world: they contain most of the essential vitamins and minerals which are also extremely bioavailable — our bodies are just designed to eat organs because this is how we’ve evolved. For both reasons, I believe that consuming organs is the most ethical way you can eat.

How Do I Feel?

I feel good. Not only do I feel more balanced, grounded, energised, focused and overall happier, my bloat has gone away, my digestion has improved a lot, I’m still dieting but don’t feel exhausted anymore (in fact I don’t even feel that hungry in between meals — although my macros and micros have stayed exactly the same as when I was vegan).

The most impressive improvements concern my performance in the gym: my recovery is much faster and my muscle appearance is much better (on my rest days, my muscles used to look a bit flat, when I was vegan; now they always look full).

The most important change, however, is that I finally feel connected and spiritually balanced. On top of it, I’m sharing meals with my husband for the first time in 14 years, and that’s an indescribable feeling, which most people probably take for granted, but which I was risking not to experience ever in my life. Just for that, I’m so glad I made that decision.

My Gratitude

I’m grateful to veganism for making me aware of what’s going on in the meat in dairy industries. I’m also grateful to it, for opening my eyes and helping me understand that compassion is real. However, as a scholar of Friedrich W. Nietzsche, I cannot but transvalue my own values, the first one being veganism indeed. In the path towards my self-becoming, in my seek for self-realisation, I need to go beyond veganism itself and ground my own ethics; I need to incorporate what complies with my own belief system, and to reject what doesn’t. Compassion does comply with it, exploitation doesn’t; for this reason, I decide to go back to eating locally-farmed meat and wild-caught fish, rather than pretending to be “cruelty free”, when in fact supporting the unjustified killing of thousands of insects, lizards, birds, rabbits, as well as the exploitation of poor countries and people.

My last thought of gratitude goes to Bobby Risto from Bobby’s Perspective (go and check him out, if you haven’t yet), for speaking out for those vegans and ex vegans in struggle with their diets and ethics. Bobby is currently working on a documentary to denounce the truth behind crop fields, and I honestly look so much forward to it!

Don’t forget to watch my video, if you haven’t yet! 😉

Why I’m No Longer Vegan

Thanks for following my journey!

Peace, Love & Compassion,

December 4, 2018October 11, 2019

2019 Resolution: Gains and New Challenges

Stunning Christmas decorations at Covent Garden Market…

Christmas is just around the corner and New Year’s Eve is just behind it

My living room is all set up for Christmas and I look forward to celebrating! 🙂 🙂 🙂 My husband’s iPad on the table is playing Christmas songs from YouTube…

Although I am a Summer person and can’t stand the cold, I love this time of the year. I love decorating my Christmas tree in advance, playing Christmas songs all day long from mid November onwards, and planning my Christmas lunch in detail. I just like the feeling of have something to wait for, something to magically turn the cold weather into warm emotions. However, this aren’t the only things I like about this time of the year. As winter is about to begin and the dark is reaching its apex to give way to the light and the new year to start, so, every year, I too rethink my past achievements and prepare for new ones to come. This is when I seriously express my gratitude for what the current year has allowed me to accomplish and set new goals for the next one. Interestingly, I’ve never missed a single goal that I’ve set for myself as part of my New Year’s resolution.

This year, this process has been a little bit more fun than usual, as I’m sharing part of my 2019 challenges with my best friend. It all started as a game, while I was advising her on weight loss. As we all know, sharing a challenge with someone else helps you track your progresses better, and prevents you from getting lost along the way or giving up your resolutions.

What Am I Grateful For?

2018 has been one of the years I’m most grateful for: it has brought me a lot of physical achievements and professional successes. The fitness goal I had set for myself around 1 year ago concerned my upper back and shoulders: I wanted to get bigger and stronger in those areas, and improve my performance on pull-ups/chin-ups and rack-pulls. And I did it! Although I didn’t increase my shoulder size that much, I definitely increased their muscular density and strength. On my upper back, instead, I managed to gain a few inches as well. Strength-wise I was able to improve my rack-pulls performance significantly: 1 year ago, I could do 6 sets of 5 reps with no more than 80 Kg, around the end of August this year, I reached 100 Kg for the same volume. As to my pull-ups and chin-ups, after 10 years of resistance training, in 2017, I still couldn’t perform one single complete rep. Now I can easily perform multiple sets of 7 reps.

Professionally, I had promised myself that I would have finalised two editorial projects I had been working on for a long time. Not only did I succeed in both, I even exceeded my expectations, in that I set up a small publishing house with my colleagues, which might even expand in the long run.

I’m grateful for all of the people I have been surrounded with this year, for their positive energy and influence on me. As naïve as it might sound, I’m grateful to my husband and my family, for just being there. I’m grateful to my body, for allowing me to accomplish my goals, and to my mind, for staying focused and motivated 365 days a year. I’m grateful for all the opportunities I have come across this past year, and for those that are yet to come.

My 2019 Resolutions

As I mentioned before, some of the expectations I decided to set for 2019 arose as a challenge with my best friend. Whilst she has some weight to lose, I’m not fully happy with my back and shoulder size yet, and wouldn’t mind to increase my arms too. To make our challenge more attainable and accountable, we decided to break down the year into 3-month periods, and to set a certain amount of Kg or cm to lose or gain for each period. Our first of such periods started on the 26th of November and will terminate on February, the 26th (2019). My goal is to increase my upper-back, shoulder and arm size by 1 cm for these first 3 months. Depending on how it goes, I might decide to challenge myself even more, by raising the attainable size up to 1.5-2 cm for the next trimesters.

To achieve our goals, I created a meal plan for my friend and one for myself. She committed to long walks, whereas I didn’t make any changes to my current workout routine, as it’s already shoulder and upper-back focused. I might incorporate more arm exercises later on, if I don’t see any significant change in the next month.

Other than this challenge, I committed myself to improving my skin appearance and getting rid of some awful stretch marks that I’ve had on my thighs for over 16 years. I’ve never had any patience with dry brushing and moisturising, but I just can’t stand the view of those stretch marks, and I’ve postponed for long enough…

As to my career, I have a clear plan in mind, but can’t really talk about it now, as I hope I’ll be able to share more details within the next 6 months or so. However, creating this website is already a dream come true to me, and I’ll do my best to find more time to write posts, recipes, and shoot videos in 2019.

Tracking Our Progresses

My (still too small) back at the beginning of the challenge, let’s see how far I can go… 🙂

So far, I’ve gained about 4 mm on my upper back and around 2 mm on my shoulders. My arms haven’t really grown yet, but I’ve had a bunch of people making nice comments at the gym. My bestie is doing much better than me though, as she’s already lost much of the weight she was supposed to. 🙂

Will my arms manage to increase by 1 cm in the next 2 months and a half???

My skin challenge hasn’t started yet, as buying reliable, vegan, and highly effective oils costs a lot of money, and I’d rather spend that money on nice presents for my friends and family around this time of the year. However, I’ve already planned to buy a lotion I saw online with my January payslip — I’ll keep you updated.

Epilogue

Regardless of the outcome of my challenge, setting goals for oneself and pushing one’s own possibilities to the extreme is always a learning experience: it can show you what your limits are, and surprise you with some amount of strength and willpower that you didn’t know you possessed. Keeping your expectations attainable and accountable, however, is key to achieving your goals. Proceeding step by step, and measuring each and every daily improvement in your life will lead you to accomplish anything you want. If, on the other hand, you set too high goals for yourself and don’t allow yourself to keep measurable trace of your success, you’ll be more likely to give up. With that being said, however, even working on small, accountable bits of improvement can be hard at times. There’ll be inevitable moments, when you’ll lose your objective perspective and start comparing with others; in such moments, you’ll become your own enemy number 1. Don’t worry: those moments won’t last forever. In fact, if you practice daily mediation, and visualise in your mind your goal and your path leading to it, your focus will come back as soon as you detach from the negative emotions caused by comparing yourself with others and seeing your objective as unattainable. A good way to do so, is to dedicate at least 10 minutes a day to express your gratitude. This can be done first thing in the morning, during your day, or at night, when you’re in bed and about to fall asleep (it’s actually an excellent way to improve your sleep). Remember, gratitude is the farthest feeling from fear and oppression. Try to think of 3 different things in your life you’re grateful for everyday, and you’ll achieve whatever goal you set for yourself.

Bonus tip (this is actually something I’ve never shared before): in the last year of my PhD, when my stress levels were crazy high and couldn’t stay focused without panicking for more than a couple of hours a day, I used to visualise an entire stadium, crowded with supporters wearing T-shirts with my face printed on them, holding a jar of green smoothie or juice, chanting my name supportively while shaking their drinks proudly. As odd (and embarrassing) as it might sound, it really helped me find balance and accomplish all of the tasks I had set for myself at the time. Fun fact: this is also where my “keep calm and drink smoothies” motto originated. Find your own mantra to support you throughout your journey and you’ll reach your destination safe and sound! Good luck! 😉

PS As I wrote above, expressing gratitude before sleeping is an excellent form of meditation that can even improve your sleep quality. Mine has improved significantly, since I started using a nostril expander. The amount of oxygen that gets through your nose is impressively calming and relaxing. If you have trouble breathing with your nose, you might want to apply some surgical tape on your mouth, to keep it shut throughout the night (it’ll also prevent you from snoring!).

October 17, 2018October 17, 2018

Veganism and the Paradox of Living an Ethical Life

Me today, following a plant-based, low FODMAP, high-protein diet

As a vegan athlete, I get asked where I get my protein from all the time. I have to say, finding sustainable, plant-based protein sources has caused me to reflect a lot lately.

As a Nietzschean kind of person, I regard myself as a self-experimenter in the first place. Over the past 14 years, I’ve tried at least 5 different approaches to food.

My Dietary Evolution from 17 to 31

From omnivorous eater, I turned pescatarian at 17, meaning that I was on a 80%-lacto-ovo-vegeterian diet, allowing myself to consume around 20% of my food from fish and seafood more broadly. At that time, my workout routine consisted of: swimming 3 times a week, occasional running, occasional basketball with my friends, drama class and musical choreography once or twice a week, occasional crunches, push-ups and lateral leg raises in my bedroom. As my workouts became more resistance-oriented – which happened about 3 years later – I felt the need to increase my protein consumption. Between the age of 20 and 27, I turned into one of the major causes of the threatening fish extinction which the world is going through these days. My diet mostly consisted of canned tuna, fresh or canned mackerel and sardines, smoked salmon, eggs, yoghurt, cottage cheese and quark, oats, vegetables, fruits and rice cakes. I didn’t like that kind of approach, which made feel so guilty everyday. However, people kept telling me that “animal protein was the best source ever”, and I would “deplete my body”, if I stopped eating fish, dairy and eggs.

But that is not all. During those years, I decided to try various popular diets, to lose fat without giving up my performance. So I tried the 40-30-30 diet for a few years, then the Atkins diet, then I nearly starved myself and brought a lot of undesired medical conditions into my body, which I’m not very proud of and I’m not going to tell you about here.

In 2014, I randomly came across the bodies of amazing bikini competitors and bodybuilders online, who also happened to be vegan. How was that even possible? That seemed to be the answer to all of my ethical dilemmas at the time. I immediately did a lot of research and went vegan cold turkey. But because I can’t help being extreme, not only did I turn vegan out of the blue, I even signed up for a 3-day-raw-vegan detox plan online, which got me totally spellbound. I saw amazing effects on my body as soon as I started that program, and I was so happy, that I decided to stay on a mostly raw vegan diet for good. As I had moved to the UK only one year before, I didn’t have any good training equipment to work out, nor could I afford joining a gym. My workouts were still consistent, but they consisted of: bellydance, yoga, running and bodyweight HIIT-exercises. I shortly realised that a raw vegan diet couldn’t really sustain the intensity of my workout routine, but my obstinacy, as always, took over, until I finally could afford a gym membership and started lifting heavy. At the point, my diet had to undergo some significant changes, the pivotal one being getting back to a high-protein diet.

Me on a mostly raw vegan diet (Bangkok, 2015)

As I ignored the existence of high and low FODMAP foods, at that time, I was confusing some IBS symptoms with soy-intolerance, trying to not eat too much tofu or tempeh (was the latter even a food?). Also, there was this popular controversy about the possibility of soy being harmful to female hormones, which was scaring me a lot. I suddenly had no choice but to increase my consumption of legumes, mushrooms, and protein-packed vegetables such as broccoli, which in turn aggravated my IBS. Only in Summer 2018 did I finally come across the benefits of a low FODMAP diet, and found a good balance in my diet. I also did some extra research about soy phytoestrogens, and found out that their being harmful is not proven enough (this is an interesting up-to-date article on the issue). However, I still feel ethically guilty…

How Many Lives Does It Take To Meet Your Daily Protein Intake on a Plant-Based Diet?

If you’re omnivorous and base your daily meals on grass-fed beef, lamb and chicken, then you’re probably killing less animals than me, the plant-based insect murderer in disguise. Let’s leave the CO2 issue off this topic, as I’d like to solely focus on the actual amount of lives involved in soy production vs animal production.

Technically, when you eat a steak, you don’t eat the whole cow, calf or ox. In theory, one single life could feed you for one week, if not for longer (assuming you’re eating livers, kidneys, heart, brain, etc., and making bone broth on top of it). In a very hypothetical, ideal reality, when your meat is grass-fed, the animal – coming from a small, family-run farm – has been circulating freely and enjoyed its life till its very last seconds. No extra water has been needed to feed it, and no weird antibiotics. In this hypothetical world, when you eat a steak or a burger, only one life has been sacrificed for your meal, and that life will suffice for one week, or more. You might counter-argue by saying that that cow might have killed some insects or stepped on other smaller creatures along the way, but that would have occurred anyway, whether you would have eaten that animal or not – therefore, you’re not really responsible for their lives. You’re still responsible for you’re animal’s life only.

Let’s break down the process of soy production instead. Besides the deforestation and other environmental issues, which soy is seriously responsible for (to have an idea, see what WWF thinks about it), soy cultivation kills a lot of small animals (from insects to tiny rodents) because of the tractors used to plough and harvest. I’m aware that the main cause of deforestation is soy’s being used to feed animals – which wouldn’t happen, if nobody ate those animals in the first place. However, if everyone was vegan and on a high-protein diet, soy cultivation would increase even more, causing the second issue (i.e. the death of small animals) to grow accordingly (here’s an old, yet still insightful article by The Guardian on the issue; another, more recent post from Munchies on the debate is this one).

So, to put it in numbers, for every single soy bean you harvest, hundreds of insects have to die. Yo don’t need me to tell you you can’t make a block of tofu out of one soy bean…

Moreover, the same discourse applies to quinoa, buckwheat, lentils and avocados, popular “cruelty-free” superfoods, staples in many vegan kitchens. It seems like the most ethical choice to be vegan would be to thrive on a self-grown or locally-sourced fruit-based diet (I’m including nuts and seeds, as long as you’re able to grow them by yourself or find sustainable ones). Many people succeed on such a diet, even athletes and bodybuilders. Unfortunately, I’m not one of them. I tried many times, and I need my tofu and tempeh to fully recover in between workouts. Not to mention that, as an IBS-sufferer, my fruit choice would be quite restrictive…

Why Am I still Vegan, Then?

This is the question I’ve been asking myself a lot in recent times, especially since I’m married to a mindful omnivorous eater, who buys only locally-sourced-grass-fed beef, a lot of entrails (to not let any animal die in vain) and uses chicken carcasses to make his own bone broth every week. Is his approach more ethical than mine? Most definitely.

However, there is no scientific way to really address my dilemma, it’s just a matter of rather personal choices. In other words, it’s all about “compassion”. A few philosophers reflected upon animals’ suffering on the one hand, and the impossibility to stop that suffering in order to survive on the other hand (the most popular one being Arthur Schopenhauer, who drew many of his ideas on his knowledge of Hinduism and Buddhism, and who influenced later vegetarian thinkers). There is no escape: if you want to survive, one or more lives will have to be sacrificed. However, facing the suffering in your plate on a daily basis is not for everyone.

I just couldn’t take the idea of having a cow killed just to satisfy my selfish desire of eating – I know it’s my need to survive, but that’s how I can help regarding it, as “a selfish desire of eating”. Such a “selfish desire of eating” drives my choices everyday, leading me to consume lives, whether I want it or not. But there are different grades of murder, I believe, and eating a dead animal, absorbing the energy of a suffering-dead animal, has a more immediate impact on my ethical response, than eating some tofu or tempeh which accidentally caused the death of insects and small rodents. To u

se another popular word, it’s all about karma: meat is pure suffering, it brings the animal’s suffering into my plate and transmits it to me; tofu brings a lot of suffering too, but doesn’t expose me to the extreme, sudden death of what’s in my plate, and doesn’t really transmit such suffering to me directly.

Life is made of choices, and if I were to choose between having

an animal killed and eating it, or having a few lives died in the process of

creating something which doesn’t force me to eat a dead animal, well, call me a hypocrite, but I’ll go for the latter option.

But this is my very own personal perspective, which I’ll never impose on anyone else than myself.

October 7, 2018April 27, 2019

How I’ve Become What I Am

Sils Maria (Engadin), 2012. First time sitting on the rock that inspired Nietzsche’s intuition of the eternal return — his “most abysmal thought”. I was at the beginning of my PhD, and didn’t know what to do with my life.

Destiny and Self-Becoming

As is well known, the motto of Nietzsche’s popular book “Ecce Homo” (1888) is “how one becomes what one is”. The whole text is indeed to be understood as Nietzsche’s re-analysing his own philosophical path in the light of his self-becoming. As a Nietzsche scholar, such a thought has had a tremendous impact on my entire life. Do I choose to become what I am?

Borrowed from the classical thinking — which Nietzsche, as a philologist, was very familiar with — is another key concept to go hand in hand with that of self-becoming, namely, the idea of “amor fati” (occurring not only in “Ecce Homo”, but in other writings as well, such as “The Gay Science”). In latin, it means love for fate, or destiny, and represents, to Nietzsche, the highest form of love a man can reach: what could be more noble than giving up one’s own ego entirely, to the point of not only accepting but even loving one’s own fate? If you connect the dots, you’ll see that becoming what I am can occur only if I love my fate, if I let my life be and love it’s being. But this is not enough yet…

As a mental experiment representing the worst case scenario where the concept of “amor fati” should be applied, the idea of the “eternal return” ought to be postulated. Nietzsche had that intuition in August 1881, while hiking along the lake of Silvaplana, in Engadin (Switzerland):

“The greatest weight.— What, if some day or night a demon were to steal after you into your loneliest loneliness and say to you: ‘This life as you now live it and have lived it, you will have to live once more and innumerable times more; and there will be nothing new in it, but every pain and every joy and every thought and sigh and everything unutterably small or great in your life will have to return to you, all in the same succession and sequence — even this spider and this moonlight between the trees, and even this moment and I myself. The eternal hourglass of existence is turned upside down again and again, and you with it, speck of dust!’
Would you not throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse the demon who spoke thus?… Or how well disposed would you have to become to yourself and to life to crave nothing more fervently than this ultimate eternal confirmation and seal?” (“The Gay Science”, §341, trans. by Walter Kaufmann).

Nietzsche’s “greatest weight [das Schwergewicht]” represents the possibility of the same life occurring over and over again, for ever and aver, and having already occurred over and over again, since forever. From an ethical point of view, two consequences are to be noted: 1) I’m not really responsible for my decisions or deeds, as whatever I choose, I’ve already chosen innumerable times; 2) however, when I choose, I have to ask myself: do I want this choice to be repeated innumerable times in the future? As a matter of fact, the seeming lightness of the former consequence is devoured and shattered by the terrifying heaviness of latter. Again, amor fati seems to be the key to solve the riddle: if I love and embrace my fate, the heaviness of the hypothesis of the eternal return won’t curse me any longer.

Another classical image borrowed by Nietzsche represents this idea very well: “dancing in chains”. As Nietzsche explains, the Greek artists and poets “impose upon themselves a manifold constraint by means of the earlier poets”, and then “invent in addition a new constraint, to impose it upon themselves and cheerfully to overcome it, so that constraint and victory are perceived and admired” (“Human, All too Human, II”, “The Wanderer and His Shadow”, § 140). A Nietzschean life can be thought of as a never-ending “dancing in chains”, a continuous, yet joyful, overcoming of pre-existing and self-imposed constraints towards the realisation of something that comes across as light and serene.

My Philosophical Path

When I started reading Nietzsche, I was 18. I hadn’t begun my Philosophy BA yet, and I only had two passions in my life: music and fitness. The main reason why I chose to study Philosophy was because it seemed the only way to merge both my creative and my disciplined sides together, and — hopefully — disclose a new approach to my existence. I retrospectively acknowledge I was being far too optimistic back then, as I was expecting to achieve something without first changing my mindset.

While my passion for music stayed pretty much the same (I was playing the drums in a band, and attending all the gigs I could), my passion for fitness evolved: helped by my boyfriend at that time (to whom I’m proudly married now, and who had already been lifting for a few years), I started lifting weights twice a week, I increased my cardio routine, started practicing yoga on a regular basis, and joined a belly dance class. This latter was probably the greatest discovery back then: I could finally unite music, fitness and the search for spirituality that the study of Philosophy wasn’t satisfying yet. Plus, it really helped me overcome my shyness… :/

I did my BA thesis on the symbology of light in Nietzsche’s “Thus Spoke Zarathustra”, and decided to continue working on the same text in my MA. This time around, however, I would look at it from a different angle, namely, through a psychological lens. That’s when I discovered C. G. Jung and my life changed. I did both my MA and PhD dissertations on Jung’s (mis)understanding of Nietzsche’s philosophy, and, I have to say, the exploration of analytical psychology fulfilled my search for spirituality and provided me with unexpected tools. I was finally starting to give sense and meaning to my life.

To finish my Phd, I had to move to London (UK). Possibly because I had just discovered Jung’s concept of “synchronicity”, but it didn’t seem like a coincidence at all that the world-leading historical research on Jung was being conducted in the city where my boyfriend had just moved! I was still unsure about my future, in fact I had just spent some time in Germany and was planning to move there for good. As that opportunity was offered to me, it seemed like a sign from my fate: whether I wanted or not, I knew I had to take the chance and move to London, that was just meant to be.

Here is where I’ve really become what I am.

What to do with “the greatest weight”? Just lift it!

In London I felt like I could finally let my full essence express itself undisturbed. I found the courage to do many things: after 10 years of pescatarianism, I finally gave up animal products and went vegan; I married my soulmate; started practicing meditation on a regular basis and taking online courses on Hinduism; found a solid group of scholars who are more than just colleagues to me. Most importantly, however, I joined a gym and started working out everyday, lifting heavier and heavier. Slowly and without even realising, I started inspiring more and more people. We live far from our families, we don’t own our flat (and maybe never will), I have to work part time in a coffee shop to pay my bills, but I embrace it all, as my “chains”, necessary for the “dance” of my life to be light and joyful.

If there’s something I’m really grateful to Nietzsche for, it’s for teaching me the profound, yet often forgotten, interconnection between philosophy and practical life: through philosophical introspection, I shape up my life, and through my everyday life, I pose and then answer my deepest questions. Philosophy is not meant to be constrained in scholarly books; nor is life meant to be lived superficially.

The only downside of my self-becoming is that I had to quit my band. I’m still attending as many gigs as I can, and, sometimes (rarely), I compose with Garage Band. I listen to my favourite bands everyday though (at the gym, on the tube, at home) and sing like a crazy in the shower and when cooking. I was meant to become a philosopher, I was meant to inspire fitness enthusiasts, but I now realise that I was never meant to become a musician.

Fair enough, I still love my fate more than ever!